The Paternity Chronicles

The Calming

As a pregnant man, yes! the partner of pregnant woman is also pregnant, you have to take quite a few precautions. A pregnant woman should follow her heart and her body's wish. Everyone knows that the first three months are quite fragile. She has to maintain complete diet, take care not to get jerks, make sure to drink a lot of water and be emotionally content.
And in every act the partner has to help her get through this.

As a pregnant man I have to act in what I think is best for her. But most importantly react of her actions and words and even expressions. I am not known to be a very patient man. But during this time my patience skyrocketed. As much as I was excited, I was very worried at every stage.
The attachment to the baby starts right away, and more so when at the first scan you see a tiny pea sized fetus. But when I saw the tears drop from Mukta's eyes, the tenderness I felt towards her fed my feeling of protectiveness towards her. Men by nature are of protective type and we love when women are vulnerable, so that we can be that knight in shining armor. And this is the perfect time to be that.

Well back home after the third month scan, Mukta told me that her tears were partly of happiness and partly because she could not see the baby (or the fetus) at all in the scan. And she felt she is not a good mother, who cannot even recognize her child in the scan. A word of caution to all fathers (partners) to be; this feeling stays throughout the pregnancy. Every time she is a little careless in taking care of herself, every time she forgets her multi-vitamin or folic acid, every time she feels frustrated that she cannot behave like normal and has to take extra care, every time she has morning sickness and is irritated (just a fleeting moment) with the unborn baby; she gets this feeling of extreme sadness and depression where she feels she is not a good mother.
At this time the partner has to make sure she realizes that she is awesome woman and will be a great mother. Remind her of all the times she has taken care of people. Remind her how responsible she is. Remind her of how strong yet how loving she is. And take blame on yourself as much as possible. It doesn't make you bad, it just makes her feel nice that she is not to blame.

This psychological act is very important throughout the pregnancy. However it changes at every stage.

The first few weeks its time to celebrate. We men normal hide our feelings. This is one important time to show your partners how excited you are.

The next stage is actually the sub-stage from the initial tests to the third month scan. Some women get heavy morning sickness. Some don't.
When they do, they get irritated, they want you to wake up but most of the time not see them puke. They may not feel like eating some stuff and feel like eating some other things. At that time, support her, get and eat what she wants, avoid what she doesn't feel like it and participate in her frustration while making it look like you are fine with it.
Sometimes they don't. Our movies and television crap in general show that a pregnant woman always gets morning sickness which is completely wrong. Studies show that 90% of women get nausea and 33% vomit in early pregnancy. Though no woman would like to have nausea, when it doesn't happen she will feel that something is wrong with the baby or like Mukta doubted about she being pregnant at all. At this point, I had to show her the pregnancy test at least twice. Yes we had kept both of them and hope one day to make an album of the whole experience. I suggested she take another test, and finally I made sure that she realizes that I love her for her and not because she is pregnant.

The following stage is the 3+ month stage. After the scan, tests and when the doc says that all is fine, we enter the second trimester. This is the best stage. Around 90% of woman get that pregnancy glow. Yes its true. Finally the pregnancy is not only in the mind but in the body. The scientific background is that body pumps blood more harder and the hormones are more excited, which obviously shows on the skin.
This is the time to rejoice, eat and drink whatever you want (well some conditions ofcourse apply) and most importantly share this news with your family and friends if you havent already.
Happiness grows exponentially when shared and this news is the happiest of all.

And you need to make sure that you tell her how beautiful she is even though she maybe bloated like a whale and how much you love her even though she may wake you up at 2 am in the night to tell you that she wants a glass of water.
Pamper her in words and actions. I started a few things which you guys can do.
Take over washing's and cleanings. Overlooking the maid, dusting and cooking if possible. The later I couldn't do at all. She will criticize your work, take it in your stride. Just say sorry and that you will take care next time. It makes her feel that secure and taken care of.
I started getting fresh fruits and made milk shakes and juices and made her drink those early in morning. It is not only good for the body, its shows a special love in morning. After some days she looked forward to getting up and drinking the juice and just feeling nice.
Another of my friend used to leave notes for her when he left for office. Sometimes in her dress which she wore to office, sometimes with breakfast. Small notes which made her day. I couldn't stoop to that level of cheesiness...

Well before you know it, it will be the second trimester and more of work for you guys in next chapter. Till then rejoice.

The Paternity Chronicles

The Opening Act

‘I think I am pregnant’, Mukta said one early morning with a home test in her hand standing over me. I was sleeping, it was 6.30 am anyway and I thought I was dreaming. Could it really be possible?  

‘I think I am pregnant’, she repeated. I was wide awake in an instant. ‘You mean, you think WE are pregnant’, I said. Yes!!! I hugged her. She hugged me back with tears in her eyes. We say just like that for some time.

‘Do you still have to travel next week’, she asked. Yes, I have to travel for work Monday to Thursday, I thought but did not say anything. Now is not the time to think of work but yes I have to leave her and go immediately after knowing this news. Have to play this slow. ‘Let’s check again next weekend and take an appointment with doctor’, I said.

The weekend we spent Googling. Today’s world any question you want answered, doubts cleared, there is Google.

The following week was a torture. I was so happy, that I was almost afraid. I wanted to shout and jump with joy, call and tell the news to everyone and most importantly stay with Mukta.

Following weekend, she took the test again, this time the costly one. They are so costly; ladies, you better take them when you are sure. It was positive again. First we called our parents and conveyed to them. First grandchild is more special than first child.  They were over excited, ‘when should we come’, was the first of millions of questions. We then took an appointment with the gynecologist as soon as possible. Went to meet him and Mukta said, ‘I am pregnant’. ‘So? what should I do?’, came back the reply. Our first brush with the Dutch way of pregnancy.

We then took an appointment with a verloskundige, yeah let’s speak English here... we took an appointment with a midwife team. And the first appointment was a good one month away. Come on, in India, we would have already started with vitamins, tests and what else. We were most impatient.

Meanwhile the feeling hadn’t yet sunk in. But reading about all the “side-effects” I was wary. Every time I was waiting for morning sickness. But it was much better than expected. Mukta really did not have any special feelings and only later felt like “eating something special”.

They say a woman becomes a mother when she conceives and a man is a father when he holds his child the first time. But somehow it was different for me. I felt pregnant too. Tensed, I stopped reading online about pregnancy and paternity. It worried me more. It’s not as people say. A woman will act to what she feels when she is pregnant. A man has to react upon every emotional, physical or psychological feedback of his woman. A movement on bed in the night, clearing of phlegm in morning, even if she skids while walking in the house, I used to have a knee-jerk reaction. ‘Don’t scare me’, she would retort. Treating her normal is best for fetal development, but yet take care of her. Understanding what a woman wants when she is normal is almost impossible even if you know her for years. When she is pregnant, it’s like walking on ledge of empire state building. One false step and ‘you do not understand what I am going through’ is what you have to hear. And still you have to gulp all your pride and ego and do what she wants. Yes, it’s a Men’s job.

There are a lot of writings out there about maternity. But very few by a father. In these series I will write down my experiences. Every woman’s experience in pregnancy is different and therefore every man’s is also different. However, I hope to jot down some stuff here not only for you all to read, but also I hope my child will read someday and understand what it is to be a father.

At the time of writing this first write-up in this series, it’s still another 3 weeks for the predicted due date. The final lap. We have gone through quite a lot already, yet it feels just like yesterday that I remember most of the milestones so far. See you again in few days for the next of the series.